ASK THE SHY GUY!-Archived questions and answers! 

MAY 2004:

I just got out of highschool, and all durring my entire school carrer, guys have hated me horribly. Iv just been being myself, and im always very nice. They avoid me like the plauge. Many people say i look ok, so im not sure if its that or what. What should i do?
 

Don't feel so bad about not dating in high school. I didn't date in high school either, and I turned out ok!  There is a lot of pressure to date in high school, but it's no big deal if you don't. Look at it this way: this just means your best times lie ahead of you.

Maybe you might want to try meeting someone through the Internet. Lots of people your age are doing that these days. This way, you could try to find someone you have something in common with.

There is someone for everyone, you just haven't found your right guy yet. Do any of your friends know any guys? Maybe they could hook you up. Maybe you need to go to more parties.

The important thing is to put yourself out there and let guys know you are interested. Are there any guys you like? Maybe you could drop a few hints that you're interested, see if they take the bet.

As you grow older, your confidence will increase, and that will only make you more attractive to guys. I wish you all the best. And don't worry too much about it -- the guys will come eventually. Sometimes you just have to wait.

Best wishes,
The Shy Guy

JANUARY 2004:

hey waz up,
i have a question for you.  i have been talking to this guy for the past two weeks but we are both very shy.   I know he has a crush on me and i like him to but we are both to shy to ask each other out, lol, could you please tell me what to do?
 

Make it obvious to him that you want to go out with him. Say something like, "If a guy like you was to ask me out, I'd definitely go out with him."

Tell him "I want to see that new movie, but I can't find anyone to go with."

Or mention a restaurant you want to go to, or a concert.  Find  out what the two of you have in common, then try to plan a date around it.

If he misses all your hints, you may have to ask him out. There's no shame in that. Lots of girls do it these days. Just come right out and ask him. Say something like, "We should go see that movie together."  Or, "I heard that restaurant is really good. We should go check it out."

If this guy likes you as much as you think he does, he'll take the bait.  And once you have that first date, the rest will be easy. Sometimes, shy guys need the girl to make the first move. After that, the guy can feel more comfortable about asking you out.

Good luck!

Barry Dutter, The Shy Guy

DECEMBER 2003:

Barry-
 
I'm a little confused, maybe you can help me out..
 
 I just met a girl. We went on a "semi-date" of sorts, the other day. She said she had a good time and wants to get together again sometime and play.
 
Now, I've read your section on "what a girl says and what a girl means" Nowhere in there does it mention when a girl says "I want to play"
 
Just hoping she isn't trying to blow me off in a subtle way, as past breakups have conditioned this young lad to think that every word coming from a girl's mouth is a rejection in disguise... Any thoughts?
 
I'd say it's a damn good sign, but I don't want to jump the gun just yet. ;)
 
Thanks, and good luck with everything
 
Small Town Boy

Dear Small Town Boy,

That doesn't sound like a rejection to me. I think the word "play" is a positive word. It's better than "hang out." Usually if a girl is not interested in dating you, she'll say, "Let's hang out." That's a polite way of saying, "I'm not attracted to you, but I like you as a friend."

But if she says she wants to play, I'd take that a positive thing. Why not pursue it further and see what her definition of "play" is?

You could be in for a fun time!

Good luck.
Barry Dutter

NOVEMBER 2003:

Hi my name is BOB. I know you're probably tired of answering all these questions, but i really need your help. i like this girl in my french class (cheerleader) n i dont know how to approach her. we do talk n laugh but i dont have the guts to ask her out. what should i do? i've had her since 6TH grade n had a crush on her since then. i havent talked to her since last year n since this year the class got really small we sit next to each other. i dont want to get rejected by her b cuz i got rejected by her friend. thanks a lot!
                                                                       -BOB

Hi BOB.  Ah, the cheerleader. The elusive goal of every high school guy. Sometimes cheerleaders can be a little snotty -- some of them only want to date jocks or popular kids. Hopefully your cheerleader doesn't that have kind of attitude. She seems nice, if she's laughing at your jokes.

You want to ask her out, but you don't want to get rejected. So maybe you'll want to ask her out in an indirect way.

Maybe your best bet is to find out what kind of music she likes and say, "I've got two tickets to the (name of band) concert. Do you know anyone who might want to go?"

Then there's the old, "I want to see that new movie, but I can't find anyone to go with." See if she picks up the hint and says, "I'll go with you."

Beyond that, you could invite her to a party, but since she's a cheerleader, she probably gets invited to all the parties anyway.

Maybe a school dance?

If all else fails, just go with the classic, "If a guy like me were to ask you out, what would you say?" That way, you get to find out if she likes you, but you haven't actually asked her out, so it doesn't count as a rejection.

You might even ask her, "What type of guys do you like to go out with?" Her answer might tell you if you have a chance.

Good luck!

Barry Dutter
Author, The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating
 

Hi, my name is Thomas, last year I dated a girl that I really liked and still do, but she broke up with me for unknown reasons. Nowdays, I see her at practice every night and I talk to her often and she talks to me. I would really like to get back with her again, but I don't know how to do this without making it an uncomforatable situation for her. I am willing to do almost anything, thanks!

Hi Thomas. The best advice I can give you is for you to try to ask her out in a friendly way and see if she wants to hang out with you. You can take it slow, and see how it goes. Invite her to a movie or a party or out for a bite to eat.

If you don't ask her out, you'll never know how she feels. If she shoots you down, at least you'll know one way or another, and then you can forget her and focus your energy on a new girl.

Good luck!

Barry Dutter
Author, The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

Hi, I really need some help with this one. There is a guy who is an
instructor where I go to martial arts class he is a few years younger then
me (I think) and very attractive. I see him looking at me when I arrive but
he rarely will give me eye contact. If I stand outside the building and he
is in eye view of me he well look at me from afar.  However, if I am close
to him and we make eye contact he quickly looks away from me. He always
makes sure to say hello to me when he first comes in contact with me but
avoids me until I leave at which time he makes sure to say good-bye and
always asks when I will be returning again and example of this is: "so we
will see you tomorrow?".  I have tried to break the ice by complementing him
on his work with children and his dedication to the arts, as well as, being
so bold as to tell him he is a handsome man.  I get the feeling I make him
nervous when I am round but I also get the feeling he may like me or find me
interesting. One thing is for sure he is a very shy guy and I am soooo
interested in him it is killing me. How do I know if this guy is interested
in me and if so how do I approach him without invading his space or sending
him running the other way.   I'm an attractive woman 5'6, 130 lbs, I'm
physically fit with, brown hair, emerald green eyes, a smile to die for, and
am all around sweet and outgoing.....what can a girl do to get her man?

thanks for your help!

Doris

Hi Doris.

It sounds to me like this guy might already be in a relationship. Have you pursued that line of questioning?

Usually if someone is in a relationship, they will be polite to you, but they will be very careful not to lead you on or send the wrong signals. From what you've said, this guy really hasn't shown any of the classic signals that he's interested and available. For instance, he hasn't asked you any of the same questions that you're asking him.

You might want to just come out and ask him if he has a girlfriend. Maybe you can do it in a subtle way. If you're not willing to do that, you might want to ask him, "So what do you usually do after class?"  He might respond, "Well, me and my girlfriend usually go out..." or whatever.

If you REALLY want to go out with this guy, you may have to be bold and make the first move yourself. That's right -- you might have to ask him out. You've probably never had to do this before, but many attractive women do it and they usually have great success.

You could ask him out for  a drink or a cup of coffee after class, or invite him to join you in  a yoga class or an aerobics class... Maybe he'll want to see a movie... Maybe there is a big event in your area that you think he might be interested in -- an art show or a concert or an auto show.

The main thing is you've got to make the first move. Based on what you said, this guy is never going to do it, so you'll have to give him a little push. Maybe if you give him enough hints, he'll catch on.

Even if he turns you down, at least you'll have given it a shot. It's far better to know how someone feels about you than to never know. There's nothing worse than not knowing.

Good luck!

Barry Dutter
Author, The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

October 2003:

Hey
My name is Gary ,and Im kinda shy and i have girlfriend and we have been goin out for like half a year or so and she complains i dont wanna do stuff. But i really want to but i think i am to shy to do anything. by the way im thirteen what do u think i should do to be less shy and do stuff with her. thanks
Gary


Hi Gary.

I guess it depends on what kind of stuff she wants you to do. If she's asking you to do stuff you're not comfortable with or don't enjoy, then you shouldn't do it. Nobody should ever have to do something they don't want to do.

When you get older, you will find you sometimes have to compromise a little and do things just to make your girl happy, but you're still kind of young, so I'm not sure you should be doing that yet.

I'm not sure if your letter is about making out with her, but if it is, I'll just say this: girls mature faster than boys, and some guys mature faster than others.

Some guys aren't ready to get intimate with a girl at 13. Some guys aren't ready till they're 15, 16, or even 18.

The main thing is to just do things you enjoy and have fun. And if you REALLY like this girl, try to compromise a little and do things she wants to do sometimes. Since she's your girlfriend, you already know she likes you, so there's nothing for you to be shy about.

Barry Dutter
Author, The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

September 2003:

Hello I encountered your site while looking up stuff related to the topic of that your book discusses.  I am a sophmore in college and going throug the same exact thing that you went through.  I have not purchased your book yet although I mite in the near future if my shyness persists.  I know I have no reason to be shy yet I still am.  I know I am not bad looking because a model scout froma erputable modelling company asked me if I can come in for an interview.  I have been told that I am a good dancer as well.  The make things even worse there is this girl in one of my classes who I really want to ask out yet I feel I may miss the chance.  She approached me after class and told me that she is a shy girl.  I just don't know how to make the first move.  Any ideas on helping me out with this situation?  She is a very lovely girl and I really don't want to miss out on the opportunity. Thanks for your insight                                                                                          -Keit

Hi Keith. There is perhaps no greater obstacle in the dating world than a shy guy trying to ask out a shy girl. You're both too shy to get to approach each other.

The good news is, she made the first move. By telling you she is shy, she basically let you know she's interested. This girl sounds very approachable.

You are going to have to ask her out. She's already given you the green light. I know it's hard, but ask yourself these two questions:

1) What's the worst that could happen?  Answer: She could say no.  OK, rejection hurts, but you'll get over it.

2)  Would you ever forgive yourself if you failed to ask her out?  Probably not.  Right now, your shyness is the only thing standing between you & this great girl.

How would you feel if you waited too long & some other guy asked her out instead? Are you willing to wait for that to happen? Because that's what will happen if you wait too long.

The window of opportunity is open for you. Don't let it slam shut.

Ask her to a movie or a party, or if you're too shy to do that, give her the old, "Me and a bunch of friends are going out. Maybe you and a bunch of your friends might want to join us."

The bottom line is this: I can't guarantee this girl will go out with you. But aren't you better off KNOWING instead of NOT knowing?

Good luck.

Barry Dutter
Author, Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

I am Quentin Darrigol. I read your book on "The shy's guy guide to dating" and I am not shy anymore! Thank-you! The only problem is that I don't know what to say to girls. I am ready to talk to them at school but I don't know what to say.

Please help me,

Quentin
 

Hi Quentin. It's not easy talking to girls, especially when you're still in school.  The best advice I can give is for you to try to find some common interests and talk about them.

Talk about music, movies, concerts, parties -- whatever you are into. If there's  a girl in your class that you like, talk about homework or how boring the class is. Do you know any jokes? If so, tell them.

Find out what the girl is into -- maybe she likes dogs or sports or cars.

If you're not shy any more, this should be easy for you.  Talk to girls the same way you would talk to your friends. Just relax and be yourself.

Good luck.

Barry Dutter
Author, Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

Dear Barry
I am male college student. In my government class I
set nex to an attractive lady who always enjoy talking
to me. I enjoy talking to her too. I have a feeling
that we are attracted to each other. She asks me
somtime " What you are going to do this weekend?" I
always try to be open and availabl to get a date, but
she give me no respond. Well my question is, is this
lady interesting dating me? should I wait to ask me
out?(if women are comfortable with that) or should I
make my move and ask her first? and finally is this a
way that women ask to get a date. You are the expert,
so please let know.

RAED

She MIGHT be interested in dating you, or she might just be making friendly conversation.  There is only one way to find out. You will have to ask her out.

Keep it simple. Just ask her to a movie or out for dinner.

Do you ever ask her if SHE has plans for the weekend?  That might be a good way to start. If she is free for the weekend, ask her out.

Another good idea is to say, "I have 2 tickets to the concert this weekend. Would you be interested in going?"

You could even ask her if she has a boyfriend. If she's single, she's a lot more likely to go out with you.

Good luck.

Barry Dutter
Author, Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

Hi I'm a sophomore in Highschool. I like a Freshman named Kat who started coming on my bus this year. I'm pretty shure that she likes me too. The reason that i belive this is that she told me that her twin sister liked me, I said that was nasty because her almost identical twin sister did have one difference from kat her face was all messed up, Kat then asked if it would be nasty if she liked me, I told her no and she just turned around and stopped talking to me.
  anyhoo I wan't to ask her out but I'm to shy, even though im 99% shure she likes me' Im just no good at that sort of thing please help me.
    Mike

Hi Psycodog.  Well, it sounds like she's interested in you. You should make a few more comments to her -- stuff like, "If a guy like me asked you out, what would you say?"

That way you're not really asking her out -- you're just asking what she would say.  If she says, "I'd say yes" -- go for it.

Or, you could say, "There's a new movie out that I really want to see, but I don't have anyone to go with."  Then see what she says.

Good luck!

Barry Dutter
Writer, THE SHY GUY'S GUIDE TO DATING

August 2003:

Hey Shy Guy, there is this girl that I'm starting to become interested in at work.  I can tell I'm starting to get really interested in her becuz I'm starting to freeze up, or get tounge-tied, when I talk to her now.  Anywayz I try and hang out with her when I can without looking like I like her too much becuz I'm not quite sure if she is that interested in me or not.  She did invite me to go with her and her friends to a certain place one time, and I said ok.  Well when I made arrangements with her,two days b4 we were going to go with some other friends from work, she was gung hoe about going.  But when that day came around, I called her and found out she couldn't go cuz she had an "appointment".  I didn't think much of it becuz I thought she might be telling the truth.  But when I tried again to get her to go, I told her to call me if she could or not and she never did.  Pretty soon once I got to trying to get to know her a little better, I found out that she really didn't even like that certain place anywayz and why she just couldn't tell me that, I don't know.  And she also says that she doesn't call people.  Anywayz, when I am around her she just treats me like a normal guy friend, kind of.  Like one minute we will be talking and having a good time, and the next, she won't even come up to me or make eye contact with me.  However with other guys she starts asking them questions right away, but when it comes to me, I usually have to start the conversation by asking her a question becuz she won't talk to me.  I'm kind of getting the feeling that she knows I like her and is trying to send me the message that she isn't interested, but why would she invite me to go hang out with her and her friends then?

Dear Kool Kid:

Sounds to me like you have read this situation correctly.
 

but why would she invite me to go hang out with her and her friends then?
 

Sounds like that was just a one-time invite that she later backed out of. The main impression I'm getting is that this girl isn't trying very hard. 
 

Trust me when I say, it's a lot more fun to date a girl who is enthusiastic about going out with you. This one seems mildly interested, if at all.

If she likes you, she's hiding it very well. If there were real chemistry between the two of you, the conversation would flow naturally, instead of you trying to pry her thoughts out of her.

The only way you'll know for sure how she feels is to either a) ask her out or b) ask one of her friends to find out if she likes you.

Maybe you can invite a group of coworkers out to a place you know she likes, and invite her along. See what she says.

That bit about her not calling people is a lame excuse. I bet she calls the guys she really likes.

Anyway, good luck with this one.  I'm not too optimistic about this girl, but maybe there are other girls at work you'll like better.

Best,
The Shy Guy

July 2003:

Hello, my name is NMS. I recently meet this guy, who I really liked. We went out once, he was really shy while the date. He has not called since, it has been a week. He is three years older than I am, I am afraid that after our date he didn't like me anymore.

Hi NMS.

Maybe that guy really is shy. If so, you might want to call him, "just to say hi."  You could say, "I was thinking about you." You could even ask him out, if you're feeling bold.  Talk about a movie that you want to see, or  aconcedrt,. or a place you want to go, like an arcade or a party or wherever, and see if he wants to go, too.

You could say, "I was thinking of going to that movie. I was wondering if you might  want to go."  See what he says.  Evben the shyest guy in the world won't turn down an inviatation from a girl that he likes.

Then see if he calls you after that.  If hje is REALLY interested, he will call you, no matter how shy he is.

You could also ask your friends to ask his friends if he likes you. That's an easy way to find out.

It is possible that he just wasn't feeling the chemistry between the two of you.  That happens sometimes.  Maybe he didn't think there was any future between the two of you, so he doesn't want to lead you on or waste your time.

It's also possible that he met someone else.

If I were you, I'd give this guy one phone call, see how it goes, and if he  doesn't seem interested, forget about him. 

Good luck!

Barryt Dutter
Author, SHY GUY'S GUIDE TO DATING

Dear Berry,

I am a freshman in high school and I like this guy that is a junior. He is sooooooo cute! I think he likes me, but every time I get up to him to ask him if he likes me, I get shy and turn away! I cant date till I am 16 which I will be in December. I just want to hang on to him as a friend and then maybe ask him out. I wish I could read his mind! He glances over at me, but he is not smiling when he does it. And in class, he will never sit right behind, in front of, or beside me, but he will always be at a diagonal, or two seats in front or behind me. What should I do???

 Sincerely, Candice
 

SHY GUY SEZ:

Dear Candace,

Instead of asking him if he likes you, why not just take it slow, and talk to him the same way you would talk to one of your friends?  Ask him about last night's homework, or an upcoming school event, or a movie or a band.

Find out what the two of you have in common, then try to talk about those things.

Your first conversation will be very awkward, but they will get easier from there, once you get to know him.

You might want to have one of your friends tell him you like him, and then see what he does. That's probably the best way to find out how he really feels.  If he starts talking to you then, that means he likes you. But if he still avoids you, that means he's probably not interested.

Another thing that might work is to say, "Me and a bunch of friends are going to (the movies, the mall, a party, whatever) Friday night, and we were wondering if you and some of your friends wanted to go.

Good luck with this friendship, and I hope it turns into something more after you are allowed to start dating.

Best wishes,

Barry Dutter
Author, The Shy Guy's Guide To Dating

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